Even the friendliest, most amicable divorces can be stressful. Ending a marriage, dividing your assets, working out a schedule to see your children, and starting over as a single individual is not a pleasant experience for anyone, even if you believe that your divorce is the right thing for everyone involved. When you or your spouse have certain personality traits, your divorce may qualify as a high-conflict one. High-conflict divorces are more stressful and take longer than other divorces and are more than just arguing over assets or custody. These types of divorces take a serious mental and emotional toll on the spouses, their children, and potentially even others in their lives. If you believe that your divorce has the potential to be or already is high-conflict, you may want to consult with an experienced divorce attorney with King Law Offices to learn more about how to protect your mental health, your assets, and more. Call (888) 748-KING to schedule an appointment and take the first steps toward minimizing conflict as much as possible.
What Is a High-Conflict Divorce?
A high-conflict divorce is one where one or both spouses engage in behaviors that make the divorce more difficult, causes emotional distress, and draws out the divorce. High-conflict means the process becomes even more emotionally charged and tumultuous than the average divorce and may leave all parties involved with lasting scars. There is often intense animosity, prolonged legal battles, and endless disagreement cycles in high-conflict divorces.
Personality Disorders That May Be Commonly Involved in High-Conflict Divorces
High-conflict divorces commonly see certain diagnosable personality disorders in one or both spouses. These personality disorders are often marked by certain personality traits that contribute to the heightened conflict in these types of divorces. The most common of these personality disorders in a high-conflict divorce include Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), and Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD).
Borderline Personality Disorder
The National Alliance on Mental Illness states that Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by difficulties regulating emotions. Individuals with BPD tend to feel their emotions intensely and for extended periods of time. They also find it more difficult to return to a emotionally stable baseline after being emotionally triggered.
These individuals often have a wide range of mood swings and their difficulties with self-regulation may cause them to engage in self-harming behaviors. They may also engage in “splitting,” a behavior in which they swing between idealizing and devaluing another individual. In other words, they may love the person one moment and hate them the next. They may also engage in impulsive behaviors such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, reckless driving or overuse of alcohol or drugs.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Despite the claims that many people make that another person they know is a narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is extremely complicated and nuanced. NPD has a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, or a sense of superiority in either fantasy or behavior, according to the American Psychiatric Association. Individuals with NPD often have a need for admiration and may react to criticism or defeat with disdain and defiance. They frequently lack empathy for others.
People with NPD often believe they are special and can only be understood by other special or high-status people. This gives them a sense of entitlement and they often use this to take advantage of others. This can lead to manipulation and the individual becoming entrenched in their own demands during high-conflict divorces.
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Histrionic Personality Disorder is characterized by a distorted self-image, unstable emotions, and the overwhelming desire to be seen or noticed, per the Cleveland Clinic. The word “histrionic” means theatrical or dramatic and that can often describe the behaviors of individuals who have HPD. The self-esteem of these individuals typically depends on approval from other people.
These individuals often have shallow and rapidly shifting emotions and a larger than life presence. They are often persistently charming and even flirtatious, and may even act inappropriately sexual with others, even if they are not attracted to them. They speak dramatically and express strong opinions but generally do not have facts or details to support them. They may also be convinced that their relationships with others are stronger and closer than they truly are.
Antisocial Personality Disorder
The Mayo Clinic states that Antisocial Personality Disorder is also known as sociopathy. Individuals with APD consistently show no regard for right and wrong. They also ignore the rights and feelings of others. They tend to purposely make others angry or upset, and try to manipulate others. They lack remorse and do not regret their behavior. They will also treat others with cruel indifference.
They may behave violently or impulsively, lie, or have drug or alcohol issues. They may use charm or wit to try to manipulate other people for either their own pleasure or for personal gain. They are frequently irresponsible when it comes to fulfilling financial or work responsibilities. They may do dangerous things without regard for their own safety or the safety of other people, and may also be hostile, threatening, violent, or aggressive toward others.
Personality Traits Common in High-Conflict Divorces
An individual does not have to have a personality disorder, diagnosed or undiagnosed, for there to be certain personality traits present that may result in high-conflict divorces. Some individuals simply have a personality trait or two that are less pleasant and can make them more combative when it comes to divorce. When recognizing these traits in a spouse, individuals can use this information to help them avoid engaging and raising the conflict level of their divorce. If an individual recognizes any of these traits in themselves, they can use that knowledge to try to be more self-aware and avoid becoming too demanding or entrenched in their demands.
Frequently Blaming Others
This personality trait typically results in the individual struggling to take responsibility for their mistakes. They often blame others, claiming that someone else did or did not do something that resulted in their own mistake, instead of acknowledging that they were wrong. Individuals with this personality trait are less likely to be willing to see out or agree to compromise solutions. If they do agree to a compromise, and the compromise fails, they will typically blame their spouse for this failure.
All-or-Nothing Approach
People who have an all-or-nothing approach generally see others in either a completely positive or completely negative light. They cannot, or will not, acknowledge that people are both good and bad. They will escalate arguments to be able to judge the entire relationship by that argument. These individuals frequently lie, cancel or miss appointments, take credit for other people’s efforts, and have an irresponsible attitude about money even while they deny having this attitude.
Overinflated Sense of Importance
While this trait can be associated with NPD, it can also be present on its own. These individuals think they are better than everyone else. They believe they are entitled to whatever they want. They will insist that they are right and everyone else is wrong. This sense of being better than others and entitlement often leads to these individuals digging in and insisting on having what they want and will refuse to compromise. They may also refuse to accept it if a court does not give them what they want. This can lead to high-conflict divorces that last much longer than the typical divorce and to continued conflict even after the divorce is final.
Deceptive Behaviors
People with a deceptive personality trait may try to hide assets, lie about their income, or put forth other deceptions. They may do this to try to keep more assets than their spouse, or they may do it simply because they get a thrill when they successfully deceive others. These individuals will lie even when there is no reason to lie. If someone knows their spouse has these deceptive tendencies, they may want to consider talking with an attorney at King Law Offices to learn about how hiring certain experts can help root out these deceptions and ensure that the truth is told.
Vengeful Actions
Some couples are able to acknowledge that their marriage is over and part ways amicably. Some spouses may not agree that the marriage is over, but will let go gracefully anyway. Some spouses feel that they were wronged during the marriage, or are being wronged by their spouse wanting a divorce. When a spouse feels this way, they will seek to air out all their grievances during the divorce, wanting to drag out the process until they feel they have gotten everything they feel wronged by out into the open. They often seek emotional or financial revenge or a combination of both.
Argumentative Habits
An individual who always has to have the last word may have an argumentative personality trait. These individuals constantly try to engage to cause animosity and strife. They will go out of their way to argue, and harass their spouse with text, emails, or phone calls until they get a response. This trait can make it impossible to make decisions or resolve issues and shift divorces into high-conflict divorces.
Undermining Ways
Undermining personality traits are most commonly exhibited when the divorcing couple has children. The individual may try to convince the children that their other parent does not want or care about them. They may do this with outright statements that say this or they may engage in more subtle attacks that are harder to prove. If a parent exhibits this trait, the court may order one or both parents to take a high-conflict divorce parenting class.
Manipulative Behaviors
People with a manipulative personality trait may be controlling and manipulative or passive-aggressive. They may engage in guilt-tripping or playing the victim. These individuals may also use coercive behaviors or implicit threats to get what they want. Flattery and conditional affection are also tactics that these individuals use to manipulate people into doing or giving them what they want.
Gaslighting Efforts
Gaslighting is a specific type of manipulation intended to make the victim question their own reality. Individuals may gaslight another person by denying facts or minimizing effects, such as telling the person, “It was not that bad,” or “You are overreacting.” They may also change topics, blame inadequacies, or hold information back in their efforts to gaslight their spouse. A good way to thwart gaslighting efforts is to keep a journal of interactions when they happen so that when the individual later tries to deny it happened, minimize the effects, or use one of the other tactics, the victim can read their journal entry to confirm that their version of what happened is not wrong.
Minimizing the Conflict in High-Conflict Divorces
In high-conflict divorces, a personality disorder or the common personality traits contribute significantly to the high-conflict nature of the divorce. This means that it is unlikely that an individual will be able to completely eliminate conflict from their divorce. However, if an individual is aware that their spouse has a personality disorder or one of the common personality traits, there are steps they can take to help minimize the conflict.
Consider engaging in some or all of the following actions to minimize conflict as much as possible:
- Third Party Communication: Consider using apps, websites, friends, relatives, or an attorney to document messages, payments, and other communications with the least amount of interaction or conflict. A shared calendar for childrens’ events can allow both parents to be aware of appointments and activities without the need to interact.
- Create Boundaries: Individuals may want to consider learning best communication standards and practices for engaging with their high-conflict spouse. They can also refuse to communicate unless related to shared children, use documented methods to communicate such as texts or emails, and refuse to engage in personal or emotional attacks.
- Hire Experts: Forensic accountants, appraisers, and guardian ad litems are all experts that individuals may want to consider hiring if deception, lying, or undermining has been an issue.
- Proactively Take Parenting Classes: These classes can offer skills and tips for dealing with a high-conflict spouse. Additionally, by being proactive and taking these classes without being ordered, individuals show the court that they are actively looking out for the best interests of their child.
- Prepare a Parenting Plan: S.C. Code §63-15-220 states that at temporary hearings, when custody is contested, each parent must prepare and submit a parenting plan. Working with an attorney to create a parenting plan that is fair or that clearly explains why the parent is requesting an unusual arrangement may allow the court to make a decision regarding custody so that the divorcing couple can focus on other issues. The South Carolina Courts offers a document for preparing this parenting plan, providing all the areas that parents may want to consider in creating their preferred parenting plan.
- Stick to Facts: Focus on practical and logistical information and avoid emotions. Provide fact-based evidence such as receipts, bank statements, medical records, school records, and other documentation that cannot be disputed.
- Document Everything: Save copies of relevant emails and texts. Create a calendar events indicating custody drop-offs and pick-ups, school events, and extracurricular activities. Follow up phone calls where decisions or agreements are made with an email or text to put it in writing.
- See a Therapist: High-conflict divorces are strenuous and can take a significant toll on mental health. A therapist can provide a safe space to vent feelings and frustrations. They can also provide individuals with a toolbox of skills to handle the divorce and interactions with their spouse after the divorce.
How An Experienced South Carolina Attorney Can Assist With Your High-Conflict Divorce
Divorce is always a complex and uncomfortable process. Even in the best of circumstances, there may be sadness and some anxiety or fear around the fresh start divorce brings. In high-conflict divorces, the complexity and discomfort can be much more significant. While there is no requirement to hire a lawyer when getting a divorce, and you may be tempted to represent yourself to save money or try to avoid upsetting your spouse, an attorney may be able to minimize conflict by mediating complex issues, working with the other party’s attorney to facilitate resolutions, and protecting your rights by being assertive when necessary while also knowing when and how to de-escalate a situation. An experienced South Carolina divorce attorney at King Law Offices may also be able to assist you by reinforcing that you are not alone as you navigate your high-conflict divorce. Call (888) 748-KING to schedule an appointment and learn more about how to divorce a high-conflict spouse.