Some marriages come to an end amicably, as two people who like and respect each other realize that it no longer makes sense for them to be married to each other. These former couples in some cases may even remain lifelong friends. Other divorces may not be characterized by the same degree of warmth, but benefit from the willingness of both parties to negotiate in good faith and work together to find practical solutions to such matters as the division of their formerly shared property and the care of any children they may have had together. Generally speaking, the ability to engage in productive discussions to work out the terms for a legal parting of the ways will usually benefit all involved, whether the parties’ readiness to engage comes from pragmatism or a deep mutual esteem (or both).
When one or both partners may be more prone to instigate conflict than to seek compromise, the stressful and protracted process that often follows is called a “high conflict” divorce. North Carolina family courts frequently emphasize the role that mediation can play in mitigating the difficulties associated with high-conflict divorce and helping the parties to find points of agreement that facilitate their progress toward a final decree. Call 888-748-KING today to discuss the role mediation may play in resolving your high conflict divorce.
What Causes High Conflict Divorce?
There is no truly “foolproof” method of predicting in advance whether a divorce will be “high-conflict.” However, there are a few factors that can often contribute to high-conflict divorce scenarios. Recognizing some of the most common of these factors and evaluating how many are present in your North Carolina divorce case may help you to develop a realistic assessment of likely obstacles as you prepare for the divorce process.
Desire for Control
Sometimes a desire for control may be merely a manifestation of an individual’s personality. At others, a need to exert control over one’s surroundings at all times may come from a place of fear, in response to years-old trauma. Whatever the reason, when either party feels – and, crucially, acts on – a desire to control the person who is about to become their ex, or the legal process of dissolving their marriage, the result is likely to be a high-conflict divorce.
Personality and Family Dynamics
Some people have such naturally direct and straightforward personalities that any “softening” of tone or delivery can feel to them like a form of dishonesty. These individuals may feel that they are merely being assertive in looking out for their own interests, while the person they are divorcing is instead appalled by what they perceive as overbearing demeanor accompanied by unreasonable demands.
Two things to watch for in this regard are:
- Whether the individual is habitually direct, or frequently expresses himself or herself in a way others perceive as confrontational, even when there is no fundamental disagreement at hand
- Whether the family dynamics with which the individual was raised prioritized competitive or even outright combative approaches to addressing conflicts
No one can be reduced to a single personality trait, and everyone has at least some ability to expand beyond their own upbringing – but if confrontational approaches to resolving differences and a general disinclination to adopt a conciliatory tone are characteristic of an individual’s conduct and outlook prior to entering into divorce proceedings, these traits are likely to increase the opportunities for conflict along the way.
State Laws
Not all of the factors that can contribute to a high conflict divorce are internal. Sometimes “outside” factors that structure the divorce process can set divorcing spouses up to find themselves repeatedly at odds throughout the proceedings. North Carolina’s General Statutes § 50-5.1 allows for “absolute divorce” (what most people normally call divorce) on grounds of “incurable insanity” under certain highly restrictive conditions, while the only other grounds for divorce in North Carolina requires the spouses to have been living separately for at least one full year prior to filing for divorce, under G.S. § 50-6.
North Carolina’s laws are designed to encourage couples to work through their differences and repair their marriages. Unfortunately, when a relationship is beyond repair, the requirement to maintain a full year of separation prior to filing the divorce complaint can give resentments and frustrations an opportunity to fester, while the spouses are held “in limbo” – unable either to resolve their differences or to move forward with the divorce until the required period of separation has passed.
Using Mediation To Mitigate High-Conflict Divorce
Divorce mediation is commonly used to help divorcing spouses reach a consensus on the issues that must be settled before their final decree of divorce can be granted by the court. While individuals can certainly seek a divorce mediator on their own prior to filing, the North Carolina courts frequently refer spouses involved in divorce proceedings to divorce mediation under two specific, thematically structured programs:
- The Family Financial Settlement Program, intended to help couples seeking a divorce or legal separation come to mutually acceptable arrangements regarding the disentanglement of their formerly shared finances and property
- Custody Mediation, which as the name suggests is designed to help parents reach agreement regarding the custody of their children
Spouses are not required to retain the services of an attorney to participate in either program. However, the North Carolina Judicial Branch does recommend that individuals referred to mediation as part of their path to resolving family law disputes consider consulting with an attorney who can advise them on the process. King Law Offices offers such consultations at a number of office locations throughout North Carolina.
How Mediation Works
During mediation, a trained mediator will serve as a neutral third-party. He or she will listen carefully to each of the parties involved in the divorce, and may ask some leading questions in an attempt to develop a clearer understanding of each spouse’s priorities and the areas in which the individual is open to compromise. The mediator will then guide the spouses through a discussion with the intention of finding solutions that address each person’s primary concerns in order to develop possible solutions that will be both practical to implement and acceptable on a daily basis for each of the parties going forward.
High Conflict Divorce Mediation Benefits
Mediation can be helpful in almost any divorce. Trained mediators often have valuable professional insight that they can use to assist spouses in identifying potential areas of common ground they had previously overlooked, and in supporting them as they explore possible solutions they had never considered.
Even the friendliest divorce will pose a number of practical questions that can be difficult to resolve, so the guidance of a professional experienced in helping divorcing spouses to navigate similar matters can be enormously helpful. In a high-conflict divorce, the benefits of divorce mediation can be amplified, precisely because mediators are experienced in defusing conflict, lowering the “temperature” of negotiations, and finding common ground where embattled spouses have been used to seeing “winning” and “losing” as the only possible outcomes. Especially when there are children involved, using divorce mediation to shift the tone of discussions from adversarial to cooperative can reduce stress for all concerned, while increasing opportunities for outcomes that benefit everyone.
Discuss Your Mediation Options for High Conflict Divorce With an Experienced North Carolina Attorney
If you are approaching divorce in North Carolina and you have reason to anticipate a high degree of conflict, it is never too early to begin preparations for mitigating the potentially negative impacts of high conflict divorce. Mediation is one of the strongest tools available for spouses wishing to lower stress and reach a consensus on key issues in a high conflict divorce. Reach out to an experienced North Carolina attorney with King Law Offices today to discuss divorce mediation and evaluate your options. Call 888-748-KING to schedule a meeting with our team.