An unpleasant aspect of many divorces is their public nature. You file documents that include extremely personal information with the court, which makes those documents public record. Public record means anyone can see them. For many, particularly if you have children or a lot of assets or debts, the ease with which your information can be found in these court documents is very discomforting. This can lead to couples feeling trapped: do you stay unhappily married so your personal information remains personal or do you deal with having your personal information made public so you can divorce and move on? Fortunately, there is a third option: the discreet divorce settlement. With these types of settlements, you can stay out of court, keep much of your personal information private, and can get divorced and seek happiness with a fresh start. Before engaging in negotiations for discreet divorce settlements, it is important to understand some key strategies that will allow you to create such a settlement and keep it confidential. If you have additional questions or would like to discuss hiring legal representation for your discreet divorce, call King Law Offices at (888) 748-KING to schedule an appointment.
What Is a Discreet Divorce Settlement?
A divorce settlement is an agreement between a divorcing couple that stipulates the terms and details of their divorce. This agreement explains how their assets and liabilities are divided, who has custody, the terms and amounts of child support and spousal support, and other details related to their divorce. This agreement is then submitted to the court for approval, and once approved, is made part of the divorce decree. The divorce record, including the final decree and any settlement agreements, are public record, which means that anyone can ask to see the record. Anyone can see how the assets and liabilities were divided and more information that the divorcing partners may not want anyone else to know.
A discreet divorce settlement is a divorce agreement that has details and terms that are kept confidential from the public. This is often achieved through a confidentiality clause in the settlement that prevents sensitive information being disclosed to a third party. In some cases, couples may choose to put the confidential information in a separate, sealed document and file that with the court. A discreet divorce settlement keeps details regarding the division of assets, spousal support, child support or custody, and other specifics of the divorce out of the public eye. Individuals considering a discreet settlement should note that some aspects, such as child custody or child support, may need to be disclosed to some third parties, such as schools or the court when they wish to change or enforce those aspects. For example, S.C. Code §63-15-364 states that if a parent is seeking enforcement of a custody order, they must attach a copy of the order to the petition seeking enforcement.
Consider the Other Party’s Needs
In divorce, couples frequently put their own needs and desires first. While this is not necessarily wrong, a “me first” attitude can make it difficult to come to an agreement. If a couple cannot come to an agreement, then a discreet divorce settlement is unlikely to happen because they will need to attend court hearings, which will likely make their divorce settlement public. While each spouse does need to prioritize themselves, they should still consider the other party’s needs to create the space needed to find solutions.
By asking “why” about the other party’s needs, both parties can open up to other possibilities that may satisfy those needs. For example, if both parties are determined to have custody of the children, asking why may reveal that the mother is worried the father will bring new partners around the children too soon and the father is worried about being a “Disney Dad” who is seen as fun-only, rather than a real parent. By revealing these concerns, both parties may better understand each other and they may be able to find a better solution than insisting on custody, such as giving the father ample parenting time with a clause that restricts him from bringing new partners into the children’s lives until the mother has met the partner first.
Prioritize Open Communication
Once couples decide to divorce, they often stop communicating clearly and openly. Sometimes this is because they are unable to get along and therefore, cannot easily communicate. Sometimes, one or both spouses does not wish to share details about what they are doing now that they have separated and are divorcing, and so they share nothing. However, in order to come to an agreement that allows for a discreet divorce settlement, the couple must prioritize open communication. This can take several forms.
Engage in Calm and Private Dialogue
Emotions can run high during a divorce, particularly in cases when the couple had high levels of conflict during the marriage. Keeping those emotions under control is crucial to a discreet divorce settlement. Couples should try to engage in calm and private dialogue as much as possible regarding their divorce.
This may require working with a couples’ therapist who can mediate, or hiring a mediator to assist with negotiations. Couples may also want to hire legal counsel who can assist by stepping in when things get heated and suggesting a break.
Avoid Unnecessary Drama and Public Conflict
When a divorcing couple did not get along while they were living together and married, they are not very likely to suddenly start getting along when they decide to divorce. However, if they want a discreet divorce settlement, one way they can accomplish that goal is to avoid unnecessary drama and public conflict. This means they should avoid arguing over the details of their divorce in front of others who are not involved in the divorce.
Couples should also avoid gossiping or venting to family or friends about the divorce. While this may make them feel better in the moment, it can add unnecessary drama by giving these friends and family information to share or discuss behind their backs, or to pass on to the other spouse and fuel any existing conflict. If one or both spouses feels they need to discuss the divorce with someone, they should consider hiring an attorney or seeing a therapist, both of whom are legally required to keep anything said to them in confidence.
Be Open and Honest Regarding Assets and Liabilities
Being transparent regarding assets and liabilities is a legal requirement in any South Carolina divorce. Both spouses are legally required to disclose all assets and liabilities for an equitable property distribution. S.C. Code §20-3-630 defines marital property as all real and personal property the spouses acquired during the marriage and owned as of the date the divorce was filed, and defines nonmarital, or separate, property as well. While individuals keep their separate property and the court cannot change that, both parties are still required to make a comprehensive disclosure of all assets, including separate ones, to ensure an equitable distribution of marital assets.
Beyond being a legal requirement, by being open and honest in this regard, both spouses show good faith in the intention to have a discreet divorce settlement and to work together to find solutions to the issues in their divorce. This can help both spouses feel more confident and comfortable in negotiating to create their divorce settlement.
Hire Discreet Legal Counsel
Hiring a divorce attorney is not required to get a divorce in South Carolina. However, many people find that hiring discreet legal counsel with experience handling these types of cases makes the process easier. An attorney may be able to assist in negotiating terms, helping spouses remain calm, or other issues that arise.
Use Objective Criteria and People
Sometimes, when couples argue over issues in their divorce, they do so based on emotion rather than fact. For example, they may argue over who keeps the marital home because both have strong, good memories associated with raising their children there. While emotion and sentimentality can have a place in deciding who gets which assets, the value of those assets is generally going to be the main focus if the couple ends up before a judge who decides how to distribute the assets. Therefore, it is best if couples first determine the monetary value of various assets before fighting for emotional value. By knowing the monetary value of their assets, couples can then look for ways to ensure both parties get what they are entitled to, financially and emotionally. This may require hiring forensic accountants or appraisers to determine the value of different assets.
Additionally, some divorcing couples find that hiring a third party mediator makes it easier to reduce emotion and sentimentality in dividing assets or making other decisions. A neutral third party can keep the focus on the issues at hand and reduce the emotions that come up for the spouses. Mediators can also reframe or rephrase what a spouse says to ensure that both parties feel heard and understood, making it easier to find mutually agreeable solutions. Mediators can also provide a structured process to the negotiations and help establish other ground rules and boundaries to make negotiations smoother and easier. An experienced divorce attorney with King Law Offices may be able to assist you with finding a mediator, appraiser, or other necessary professionals to assist with your discreet divorce settlement.
Focus on the Issues, Not the People
Divorce happens for many reasons, and in some cases, those reasons include infidelity, substance abuse, or other issues that create a lack of trust and negative assumptions about one or both parties. This can lead to one or both spouses assuming the worst about the other spouse and therefore, second-guessing every suggestion made by them. However, all this will do is cause more conflict and result in the couple needing the court to make decisions for them because they cannot agree. Instead, divorcing couples should focus on the issues and the best resolution possible for those issues, rather than focusing on the people and whatever characteristics they think that the other person has or does not have.
Try to View the Issue From Both Perspectives
Many people become entrenched in their perspective of an issue and fail to consider how the other spouse may view it. However, when viewed from both perspectives, many individuals realize that the other person is not their enemy, but simply a person with a different view. Individuals should ask themselves questions such as:
- What is this conflict about?
- Do I have any underlying needs, concerns, or wants that are not being met?
- What about this issue has me so upset?
- What are my expectations regarding this issue?
Then, the individual should ask themselves the same questions, but put themselves in their spouse’s shoes to answer them. This may help individuals realize that they have the same needs, wants, concerns, or expectations or that even though they have different ones, they ultimately still want what is best for everyone involved. Additionally, this can also help individuals recognize that they do not need to agree with their spouse’s views or consider them to be valid, but that they can still respect them and try to find solutions that work for both of them.
Think of Yourselves as a Team
Upon deciding to divorce, many couples stop thinking of themselves as a couple, a family, or a team. They begin thinking of themselves as separate entities who share children, if they have children together. However, one of the most useful methods of finding mutually agreeable solutions is by the individuals considering themselves to be a team against the problem, rather than being on opposite sides of the problem.
Thinking of themselves as a team allows the couple to create a mindset of cooperation, while also encouraging both parties to consider what is best not just for themselves, but for their spouse as well. This can allow for more unique and creative solutions to the issues at hand.
Use Objective Language
Sometimes, the other person is part of the problem. For example, if one spouse has a substance abuse disorder, the other spouse may be insistent on having sole custody until the addicted parent is sober. In these instances, where something negative about the other party must be talked about, individuals should try to use objective language. In other words, instead of saying the other person is an addict and will neglect the children, the individual might instead say that the other person has a history of substance abuse that may impair their ability to consistently meet the children’s needs and provide appropriate care if granted custody.
Be Creative With Solutions
One of the more beneficial aspects of a discreet divorce settlement, or any divorce settlement that the couple can agree to outside of court, is that they can set terms that are outside the legal box, so long as they are fair. Couples should try to come up with as many creative solutions as possible so they can consider all options before settling on one. Once couples have found a solution they agree on, they can consult with their attorneys to confirm that their solution is legally permissible in South Carolina and if not, what alterations they may be able to make to make it permissible or other alternatives that South Carolina allows.
Property Division
To ensure an equitable property division while also not forcing spouses to give up certain assets, there are several options couples can consider. One option is shared ownership with defined living spaces, which allows the couple to split the family home with defined living spaces for each if neither wants to leave. Another option is a phased buyout, allowing one spouse to buy the other out over time. This can allow for a smoother transition, and allow a spouse more flexibility in finding the money to buy the asset if they cannot afford it all at once.
Another option for couples who struggle to mutually agree on who gets which assets is a virtual auction. With a virtual auction, the spouses can each bid on items they want, creating fairness and helping to ensure that each spouse gets the assets they want and does not get ones they do not want. If this results in a lopsided distribution, where one spouse bids on and wins more of the assets than the other, the auction can be used as a starting point to further negotiations.
Spousal Support
One creative solution for spousal support might be to include a re-evaluation clause that requires any spousal support to be reviewed once a year or once every five years to determine if any changes should be made due to changes in either spouse’s circumstances. Another creative option may be graduated spousal support, where the support amount is decreased gradually over time, allowing the supported spouse to work their way toward financial independence while still having the financial support they need. Lump-sum payments, spousal support while the spouse learns a new skill or returns to school, or paying certain debts or utilities as spousal support may also be unique solutions couples agree to.
Child Custody and Support
Child custody can allow for many unique arrangements. One unique custody arrangement that many parents have begun to embrace is nesting, an arrangement in which the children stay in the home and the parents take turns living there instead of shuttling the children between two homes. Many parents believe this may be best for the children’s mental and emotional health, and it often saves divorced couples money as they do not need to establish two separate households that are equipped to take care of children. Other unique custody arrangements may include split custody with rotating schedules, or schedules that allow extra parenting time for parents of special needs children who have therapies and activities.
While child support is typically determined based on South Carolina Child Support Guidelines, if couples come to an agreement that exceeds the guidelines, the court may approve it. This may include fluctuating support payments that increase or decrease based on the child’s needs in a given month. For example, it may increase in a month when the child has extra medical or extracurricular expenses, then return to the normal amount the following month. Another creative child support option may include paying specific bills related to the children, such as the cost of daycare, in addition to typical child support payments. Parents will likely want to review these arrangements with an attorney to ensure they are legally permissible in South Carolina before moving forward with them.
How a South Carolina Divorce Attorney Can Assist You
While your divorce may be no secret, some of its details can be. With a discreet divorce settlement, you can ensure that some of the more personal details, such as child custody or support, spousal support, or the division of your assets, are kept confidential. A confidentiality clause can not only keep these details out of the public record, but also prevent either spouse from sharing them unnecessarily with third parties. A skilled divorce attorney at King Law Offices may be able to assist in negotiating the details of your settlement, drawing up the appropriate documentation to keep the details confidential, and ensuring that the terms are all fair and legal. Call (888) 748-KING to schedule a consultation to learn more about your options for keeping your divorce private.