Divorce can be complex and difficult under the best of circumstances. When one spouse is abusive toward the other, things only become more complicated. While physical abuse can be proven with evidence of black eyes and broken bones, other forms of abuse are much stealthier and harder to prove. One such form is gaslighting, which can cause the victim to not only struggle to prove the abuse, but to question whether there even is abuse happening in the first place. In some cases, this abuse does not start until the victim decides to end the marriage. Regardless of when it begins, victims do not need to struggle alone. A compassionate and knowledgeable South Carolina family law attorney may be able to assist you in gathering evidence and retaining a clear view of reality as you move through the process of ending your marriage from an abuser who gaslights you. Call King Law Offices at (888) 748-KING to schedule a consultation and learn more about your legal rights and options.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a type of psychological abuse that makes the victim uncertain and causes them to doubt themselves. This type of abuse involves manipulating someone into doubting their own reality, memories, and even their sanity. Gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship, including those between friends or family, romantic partners, and even co-workers or bosses and subordinates. The abuser relies on this abuse to break down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions of what is happening. When the victim does not trust themselves in this way, they are more likely to stay in the relationship, which is the abuser’s ultimate goal.
While gaslighting is a form of abuse, it is important to note that the Cleveland Clinic does indicate that in some cases, the gaslighter does not do it intentionally. Most of the time, it is intentional, so it is important that victims call out the behaviors when they see them
What Are Some Gaslighting Techniques?
Gaslighting is an extremely subtle form of abuse, which can make it very difficult to detect when it is happening. When someone is effective in their gaslighting efforts, the victim does not trust themselves, so it is only natural that they will be uncertain about whether the behaviors they notice are real. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers some specific techniques used in gaslighting that potential victims can watch for.
Withholding
Withholding occurs when the abuser pretends not to understand what the victim is saying or refuses to listen to the victim. The abuser may withhold information, affection, or support in attempting to manipulate the victim. In some cases, the abuser may also withhold sex, compliments or money from the victim while telling the victim they are not withholding those things or that the victim is imagining the withholding.
The gaslighter may say “You are trying to confuse me,” or “I do not want to hear this.” They may pretend not to listen so that when the victim tells them something again later, they can say the victim never told them this before. They may conceal or share information selectively so that the victim is limited in their ability to make decisions.
Blocking or Diverting
Diverting occurs when the abuser changes the subject to get the victim’s attention away from a particular topic. Blocking occurs when the abuser questions the victim’s thoughts to make it more difficult to have a clear discussion or for the victim to express themselves.
The gaslighter may suggest that something the victim is saying is a “crazy idea” or “crazy thought” that someone else told them, that they are imagining something, or that the topic the victim wants to discuss needs to be tabled until another time because a different topic is more important. When changing topics because another topic is more important, the key is that this will happen frequently. While it is reasonable that there may be times when there is another more important subject to discuss, if this happens every time the individual tries to broach a topic, that may be a red flag that the individual is being gaslit.
Inauthentic Kindness
Inauthentic kindness, or manipulative kindness, is fake kindness that the abuser employs to smooth things over when they are called out on their behavior. This kindness often is part of a “Honeymoon” phase, during which the abuser may buy the victim flowers, promise never to hurt the victim again, or ask for forgiveness for their behavior, according to Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support.
This honeymoon phase of kindness is really a continuation of the gaslighting, as it confuses the victim. The sudden shift in behavior, where the abuser is now acting like the person the victim fell in love with, leaves the victim questioning what is happening in the relationship. The victim feels love for their abuser, hopes that this kindness is an indication that things will change, confusion about who the abuser is, and fear about what happens if they leave the relationship. These feelings can cause the victim to stay when they might have otherwise left. One thing to note about this technique is that, if gaslighting is part of a larger pattern of abuse, the abuser will gradually shorten the honeymoon phase and reduce the number of them until eventually the victim no longer receives even this inauthentic kindness and is left only to suffer continuous tension and violence.
Countering
When a gaslighter uses countering on their victim, they question the victim’s memory of events, even though the victim is remembering what happened accurately. The gaslighter is determined to erase history and skew reality for the victim, so they will channel immense amounts of intense energy into convincing the victim their memories are wrong. The abuser will not limit this to memories involving the abuser, but instead will question all of the victim’s memories.
The gaslighter will tell the victim things such as they are remembering the event wrong, they never remember things correctly, or deliberately feed them false information about the memory. The gaslighter will insist their version is correct, even if they were not present for the event the victim remembers.
Forgetting or Denial
With forgetting, the abuser pretends to forget things they have said or done or promises they have made to the victim. When the victim reminds them of the promise or behavior, the abuser claims not to remember it.
Denial is similar to forgetting, except that instead of pretending not to remember, the abuser denies ever saying, doing, or promising whatever it was in the first place. The gaslighter will insist that it never happened or that the victim is making it up. Like other gaslighting techniques, this is meant to make the victim question their memory of things, so that they doubt themselves and trust what their abuser is telling them more than they trust themselves.
Trivializing
When a gaslighter uses trivialization to gaslight their victim, they make the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant. The abuser minimizes or dismisses the victim’s experiences and accomplishments. This can be as minor as telling the victim that the dinner they labored over for hours is too salty or as major as telling a victim who is bleeding profusely that it is just a minor wound and they will be fine.
The abuser may tell the victim they are overreacting or too sensitive. They may also belittle the victim’s interests in things other than the abuser or their relationship with the abuser. By trivializing feelings, experiences, needs, and accomplishments, the abuser causes the victim to feel as though they do not matter and therefore, they will stay in the relationship because they do not believe anyone will care more about them than the abuser.
Blaming Others
Blaming others can take different forms in gaslighting. One form is when the abuser tells the victim that others are lying or crazy and the abuser is the only source of the truth for the victim. This is meant to cause the victim to doubt whether they can trust others and rely heavily or entirely on the abuser. This can isolate the victim from others in their life, including friends and family, which could lead to more abuse.
Another form that blaming others can take is when the abuser blames others to avoid taking responsibility. They may scapegoat or blame someone else for a failure. They may shift blame by telling the victim it is the victim’s fault that the abuser acts this way. They may cherry-pick what they tell the victim, so that the victim receives a biased account of what happened without important context that would help them see that the abuser is responsible.
Signs You May Be a Gaslighting Victim
Because of the subversive nature of gaslighting, victims often do not realize that they are victims. They often question their reality, and may sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with their partner or their relationship, but they may not fully grasp that they are being abused because their abuser is so carefully crafting a world in which the victim can never be sure what is real and what is not.
There are some signs that are commonly recognized in and by gaslighting victims which include:
- Always questioning whether they are too sensitive
- Constantly second-guessing their thoughts, actions, and choices
- Often feeling crazy or confused
- Feeling joyless or hopeless
- Always apologizing to their partner
- Frequently making excuses for their partner’s behavior
- Withholding information from friends or family to avoid explaining or making excuses for their partner’s behavior
- Start lying to avoid reality twists and put-downs
- Trouble making simple decisions
- Knowing something is wrong but feeling unable to express it to themselves or others
- Feeling like they cannot do anything right and wondering if they are good enough
Why Would Someone Start Gaslighting During a Divorce?
Many victims become aware of the gaslighting once they file for divorce in South Carolina, and this sudden awareness causes them to believe that their spouse just began gaslighting them during the divorce. The reality is that often, the victim was being gaslit during the marriage as well, but the gaslighter ramped up the behavior because the victim filed for divorce. Though it is rare for this behavior to suddenly begin upon filing for divorce, it is possible. Whether the gaslighting existed during the marriage or just began after the victim filed for divorce, there are many reasons why the gaslighter may begin or increase their gaslighting efforts.
Gain or Regain Control
One of the most common reasons is that the abuser is attempting to gain or regain control over their victim. The abuser hopes to get the victim to question their memory of the marriage, their decision to divorce, what their future may be like after divorce, or all of these things. The abuser believes if they can get the victim to question one or more of these things, the victim will stop the divorce proceedings and stay in the marriage.
Damage the Parent-Child Relationship
If the couple has children, the gaslighter may engage in this behavior to damage the parent-child relationship between the children and the victim spouse. In these cases, the gaslighter may also gaslight the children, telling them that the other parent does not love them, does not care about them, does not want them, or is unable to care for them properly. They may tell the victim spouse that the children hate them, do not want to live with or see them, or even that the children will tell lies to the court about the victim spouse.
Avoid Tough Conversations
Gaslighting is often used by an abuser to avoid difficult conversations, and this holds particularly true in divorce. The abuser will often use blocking or diverting to distract the victim away from important but tough conversations such as child custody, asset division, or alimony. The abuser may distract the victim to another topic that is more emotionally challenging for the victim so that the victim may feel emotionally exhausted and potentially agree to things that are not in their best interests.
Manipulate the Divorce Proceedings
Gaslighters may use tactics such as filing false reports or using money to show the other parent is unstable or otherwise incapable of being on their own. They may also gaslight others to persuade them to go against the victim spouse in court in an effort to ensure certain divorce decisions are made in the abuser’s favor. They may also use these tactics to undermine the victim’s confidence and make them question their decision to divorce or cause them to make poor legal decisions that are not in their best interests, such as not hiring a lawyer even though the abuser is represented by one. If you believe your spouse is attempting to gaslight you, you may want to consult with a South Carolina divorce attorney at King Law Offices to learn more about how we may be able to help protect your legal rights and interests during your divorce.
Discredit the Victim
The gaslighter may also engage in gaslighting during divorce because they want to discredit their victim. The purpose of gaslighting is the make the victim question reality and when the abuser is successful at that, the victim can often look like they are unstable and struggling with their sanity. At a minimum, a successful gaslighter can make their victim look dishonest and untrustworthy. This can convince the court to make decisions that are more favorable to the gaslighter, such as giving them child custody.
How You Can Protect Yourself From Gaslighting
Whether someone is just realizing they have been gaslit for years or their spouse has just begun to gaslight them, there are some steps that individuals can take to help protect themselves against the psychological effects this kind of abuse can have. Some of those steps can also help provide evidence that can be used in the divorce, particularly if there is also physical abuse. Physical abuse, or physical cruelty, is grounds for divorce according to S.C. Code § 20-3-10.
Hide Divorce Plans
Abusers often ramp up their abuse if they learn that their spouse is planning to divorce them. Therefore, hiding any plans for divorce can avoid this escalation and, if there is no gaslighting currently happening, may delay it from happening. Hiding divorce plans may require using a pre-paid cell phone or a friend’s phone to contact attorneys, keeping paperwork at the individual’s workplace or a friend’s home, and taking other steps to ensure that there is no evidence of the intent to divorce until the petitioning spouse is ready to serve the other spouse with the complaint.
Keep Detailed Records and Notes
Successful gaslighting makes the victim question their own memories and thoughts. One way to protect against this effect, while also potentially providing evidence for the divorce, is to keep detailed records and notes about things that happen. This can include writing down conversations that happen word-for-word (or as close as possible), taking notes about the date and time something occurred, jotting down the names of people who were present to witness a conversation or other event, and other details. Even details that feel unimportant should be written down to assist the victim in confirming that their version of events is accurate.
Communicate in Writing
In addition to records and notes, communicating with the abusive spouse in writing can provide evidence for the divorce, as well as evidence for the victim’s own peace of mind. By communicating in writing, there is an automatic record of what was said. If the gaslighter later tries to claim they did not say something that they said, or vice versa, the victim can refer to the written communication and know that they are not wrong.
Separate Your Finances
In some cases, gaslighting can also take the form of financial gaslighting. This might include the gaslighter questioning the victim’s financial decisions, accusing them of being irresponsible with money, or accusing the victim of being greedy while the abuser freely spends money. If the couple’s finances are still combined, the abuser could restrict the victim’s access to money or make cash withdrawals and then gaslight the victim into thinking the victim made those withdrawals. Separating finances reduces the chances of this happening and, in cases where it is already happening, can put a stop to it.
Seek Emotional Support
The off-balance, confusing, inability to trust their own thoughts that gaslit victims often feel is exhausting and frustrating. Victims can feel anxious, angry, doubtful, scared, depressed, and many other feelings. If the gaslighter has included others in their efforts and other people are also questioning the victim, the victim may feel completely alone. Seeking out emotional support from people who know that the victim is telling the truth can be a critical step to taking back control of their own mind and feeling confident about their own decisions, thoughts, memories, and feelings. This support can come from trustworthy friends or family, a support group, a therapist, or someone else the victim believes they can trust.
Set Clear Boundaries
Another effect of gaslighting can often be that the victim does not have any boundaries. This allows the gaslighter to say and do whatever they like whenever they like. Once the victim recognizes that they are being gaslit, they can set clear boundaries with the gaslighter. This starts with telling the gaslighter that the manipulative behavior is not acceptable and that the victim will not tolerate it anymore. The victim will then need to follow through by refusing to engage with the gaslighter when they attempt to use the manipulative behaviors again.
Create a Safety Plan
Gaslighting is a type of psychological abuse, and while that may sound less dangerous than physical abuse, this is not necessarily true. First, the mental effects of gaslighting can be extremely detrimental to the victim, leading to depression, anxiety, and even suicidal ideation. Second, psychological abuse can escalate to physical abuse, and it can do so suddenly. Gaslighting victims should create a safety plan that may help them safely escape a spouse who escalates either the gaslighting behaviors or to physical abuse. This safety plan may include the names and contact information of local domestic violence shelters or friends or relatives who are willing to provide shelter on a moment’s notice, a pre-paid cell phone, some cash, a few changes of clothes, and contact information for the local authorities and an attorney, if the victim has one.
Consult an Attorney
South Carolina does not require spouses to have an attorney to file for divorce. However, when gaslighting is a concern, an attorney may be beneficial to the victim. A divorce attorney may be able to help gather evidence of the gaslighting, confirm the victim’s version of events for them, and offer advice so that the victim does not make legal decisions that may not be appropriate based on confusion and doubt resulting from being gaslit.
Identify Both Parties’ Triggers
HelpGuide.org recommends identifying triggers for both the gaslighter and the gaslightee. Triggers might be specific topics such as money or family or they might be certain behaviors, language, or situations. By identifying triggers, victims can learn to recognize when these triggers are coming up and instead of engaging and getting caught up in the gaslighting behaviors again, they can take a step back and refuse to engage. By refusing to participate and instead being mindful and stepping away, the victim takes some of the power away from the gaslighter and empowers themselves.
Remember You Can Only Control Yourself
As the gaslighter works to make the victim doubt their own thoughts and reality, the victim often tries just as hard to convince the gaslighter that the victim’s thoughts and reality are accurate. This can keep victims locked into the unhealthy dynamic as they become just as determined as the gaslighter to change things. Instead, victims can protect themselves by remembering that they cannot control other people’s thoughts and actions. The only person they can control is themselves, and often, that means walking away knowing that the gaslighter is going to continue to believe whatever they want.
Prioritize Self-Care
The stress, mental anguish, and frustration that victims often feel when they are being gaslit can take a significant toll. Prioritizing self-care can help a victim soothe their nervous system, reduce stress, and generally feel better overall. Victims should ensure they are getting enough sleep, eating healthy meals, staying hydrated, exercising, and engaging in other activities that make them feel happier and healthier, both mentally and physically.
Does Gaslighting Mean The Person is a Narcissist?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and gaslighting are related concepts, but they are not the same, per SimplyPsychology. Gaslighting is a manipulative technique used by people who have NPD, but it can also be used by people who do not have NPD. In fact, in some cases, someone can gaslight another person unintentionally or because they desperately want to be right, rather than because they want to control or hurt the other person.
If a person believes the individual gaslighting them has NPD, they may want to discuss this with an attorney to learn how to proceed. However, they should be cautious about making this claim to anyone other than their attorney to avoid further abuse from the gaslighter or other problems as a result of their claim.
Benefits of Having a South Carolina Divorce Attorney If Your Spouse Gaslights You
While some couples can divorce without attorneys, if your spouse is gaslighting you, that may not be beneficial for you. An attorney may be able to assist you by protecting your legal rights, ensuring you do not get taken advantage of during negotiations, documenting gaslighting incidents, help you sort out fact and fiction in what your spouse tells you, and fight for what you and your children need. A compassionate South Carolina divorce attorney may also be able to help you remain safe, such as by helping you execute your safety plan or get a restraining order if one is needed. Call King Law Offices at (888) 748-KING to schedule a consultation and review your case.