You probably never expected to be filing for divorce after five, ten, or more years of marriage. In an ideal world, every married couple would be able to work out any issues and stay happily married for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, the reality is that many marriages cannot withstand the pressure of everyday family life. If you and your spouse have decided it is best to part ways, you both undoubtedly want to make things as easy as possible for your children. Custody issues are a top priority, and doing what is best for your children is paramount. When you and your spouse disagree on what is best for your children, creating a custody agreement without stress can become more difficult. However, it is not impossible. With some simple strategies and professional assistance, avoiding a lot of stress in custody agreements is possible. At King Law Offices, our experienced North Carolina and South Carolina family law attorneys may be able to assist you in working out the details of your custody agreement so that you, your spouse, and your children can feel at ease, knowing that custody has been settled fairly, honestly, and in favor of the children. Call (888) 748-KING to schedule a consultation at one of our offices and learn more about your child custody options.
Default Methods for Creating Custody Agreements
Most states, including South Carolina and North Carolina, allow parents to create their custody agreements if they can agree on the issues. North Carolina and South Carolina also both have laws regarding child custody when the parents are unable to agree. These laws are the same whether the parents are a married couple getting divorced or two unmarried people who had a child together. In South Carolina, S.C. Code § 63-15-220 provides that each parent must submit a parenting plan to the court when custody is contested. This parenting plan must include parental preferences, allocation of parenting time, and how major decisions will be made. Parents may also submit a joint parenting plan. The court considers the submitted parenting plans before making a final custody decision.
In North Carolina, N.C.G.S. § 50-13.1 provides that cases involving contested custody shall be referred to mediation to try to resolve the unresolved issues, although the court can waive mediation in some cases. If the parents can reach an agreement on the unresolved issues, they put the agreement in writing, sign it, and submit it to the court for approval. The court will then include that written agreement in an enforceable custody order. If the parents remain unable to resolve one or more issues despite mediation efforts, the court then makes a determination on those matters and incorporates that decision into the custody order. Whether parents are engaging in court-ordered mediation or trying to reach a custody agreement on their own, they can reduce stress by considering some relatively simple strategies that can work for custody agreements and other contested divorce issues.
Prioritize Open Communication
A key component of effective custody agreements is open communication. Parents should prioritize being transparent, open, and honest with each other so that they can understand each other, even if they continue to disagree. There are several ways parents can manage this.
Establish Clear and Consistent Communication Channels
For many parents, establishing clear and consistent communication channels is the first step to open and transparent communication. If attempts to communicate are haphazardly handled, bits and pieces of the same conversation may be found in text messages, social media messages, voicemails, emails, handwritten notes, and other communication methods. This scattered communication can make it challenging to know what has been said, what agreements have been made, or where the conversation left off.
By establishing clear and consistent communication channels, parents can consolidate these conversations into one or two channels and ensure that it is easier to keep track of discussions. This can reduce arguments and, in instances where a parent needs evidence of something that was said or agreed to, may also make it easier to save and present such evidence.
Stay Calm and Composed
Being a parent is an emotional role. Parents want what is best for their children, and they want to protect them from hurt, danger, and anything the parent deems not suitable for the child. This desire to protect their child can lead to extreme emotions, including fear, rage, and depression. When released to the other parent, these emotions can result in accusations and arguments that derail any attempts to create a custody agreement.
Even in difficult circumstances, parents should do their best to remain calm and composed. If there is significant danger or potential harm to the child, the individual may want to speak with an attorney or law enforcement to document and possibly investigate their concerns. However, the individual should strive to remain calm and composed with their former spouse. By keeping a calm, collected demeanor, it may be easier to explain the concerns behind the intense emotions and persuade the other parent to understand the individual’s perspective. This stands a much better chance of bringing the parents together in agreement rather than screaming, arguing, or threatening each other.
Avoid Negativity
In some divorces, parents may feel animosity toward each other, experiencing feelings of resentment and frustration due to arguments, broken promises, and other negative interactions. In these cases, one or both parents may feel that they cannot count on their former spouse. They may view interactions aimed at agreeing on custody as futile, thinking that their former spouse will behave in ways that make such an agreement impossible.
Parents should try to avoid this kind of negativity. Even if it goes unvoiced, it may still impact attempts to agree on custody. When it is voiced, it is likely to irritate the other party and make them less willing to work together. Instead, parents should take a positive stance and believe that their former spouse will be willing to work together in the children’s best interest. By approaching custody negotiations with this attitude, parents can bring a positive energy that may encourage both parties to come to an agreement that satisfies both parents and meets the children’s needs.
Communicate Effectively With Openness and Honesty
Another component of open communication is effective and honest communication. Honest communication is a relatively straightforward matter. Individuals should be honest regarding their preferences, doubts, concerns, and needs. While this honesty does not guarantee that what they want will be honored, it helps all parties understand each other’s perspectives, allowing for better compromises to be found.
Effective communication requires carefully considering the message that needs to be communicated and what words, tone, and body language will best convey that message. For example, while an individual could say, “It’s important to me to have the kids this weekend,” they may communicate more effectively if they say, “It’s important to me to have the kids this weekend because we’re having a family reunion. Grandma is 103, so this may be the last time the kids get to see her.”
Use Mediation or Co-Parenting Programs
When parents are married, they often present a united front to their children. Even if one parent disagrees with the other, they discuss it privately and support each other with the children. However, after divorce, parents often do not have a blueprint to tell them how to proceed. While the idea that they will continue to present a united front and support each other is nice, it is not always the reality that comes with having two separate homes that often have different rules, schedules, and routines. Parents frequently feel as though they are floundering, trying to figure out what to do and how to do it as they go.
Mediation and co-parenting programs offer a structured way to resolve disputes. From a third party to ask questions, clarify statements, and keep the meeting on topic that mediation offers to the conflict resolution and communication training, emotional support, and assistance with creating custody agreements that co-parenting programs provide, these options can help parents develop their own blueprint for parenting together even after they are divorced.
Address Issues Promptly
When issues arise, prompt discussion to resolve them is the best way to reduce stress in custody agreements. Parents may have many reasons for avoiding problems, such as wanting to wait until they have more time to talk, waiting until the next time they see the other parent, trying to decide if the issue is “big enough” to bring up, or wanting to let emotions cool before attempting to address the problem. While it may be necessary to let strong emotions settle before addressing issues, individuals should address them as soon as possible.
Parents may consider holding weekly or biweekly meetings (online, by phone, or in person) to address any issues that have recently arisen. This can prevent tempers from boiling over because too many issues have built up, while also ensuring that parents do not feel as though they are constantly being pressured to find time to address them.
Use a Neutral Tone
Whether parents are addressing an issue or in a dispute, they should keep a neutral tone. An accusing or angry tone may make a former spouse feel defensive and escalate the situation. The mental health non-profit organization HelpGuide.org suggests acting as if parents are in a business together where the industry is their children’s well-being, and treating the other parent as if they were a business colleague. Try using a cordial and respectful tone, and speak slowly.
Focus on the Child’s Best Interests
Perhaps the most essential way to reduce or avoid stress in custody agreements is by focusing on the child’s best interests. When people become parents, they typically do not imagine that one day they may only see their child half the time or less instead of having them under their roof daily. When trying to agree on custody, these parents may find themselves fighting for what they want, which may not always be aligned with what is in the child’s best interests.
Additionally, parents may sometimes make significant changes to the rules, schedules, and routines the children have always had because they compromised while married to their former spouse. This can create confusion and frustration for the children, who may then rebel, act out, and behave in other undesirable ways, which can create even more conflict between the parents. Focusing on the child’s best interests when creating custody agreements can reduce or eliminate these behaviors.
Maintain Consistent Routines
Once a couple divorces, many things change, including some of their routines. Whether a stay-at-home parent has to return to work or a parent who has rarely picked their child up from school now must do so two weeks out of every month, there are likely to be many changes. However, whenever possible, parents should maintain consistent routines in both homes that their children are used to. Whether those routines involve having dinner before homework and after baths or a family movie night every Sunday, they give children a sense of stability and normalcy when everything else in their life has changed dramatically.
Avoiding Involving the Children in Conflicts
When emotions run high and parents are upset or angry with each other, they may not want to speak to each other directly. While having a third party act as a go-between may be beneficial in some circumstances, that go-between should never be the couple’s child. Children should not be used as messengers to make comments back and forth, nor should they be made to listen to a parent’s complaints about the other parent or what that parent has said or done. Children love both of their parents, regardless of whether both parents get along or are otherwise good parents, and putting them in the middle of a conflict makes them feel as though they must choose between their parents. If a third party is necessary for communication between parents, choose an adult, such as a mediator, attorney, or another unbiased person who is not involved in the argument.
Focus on Co-Parenting
Parents should work together to create a consistent environment for their children with clear rules, discipline and scheduling. Some of these details are worked out in custody agreements, while others will need to be decided between the parents. When disputes arise, parents should consider whether the issue may have already been addressed in an agreement regarding discipline, scheduling, or rules. If so, resolving the dispute may be as simple as reminding the other parent of the agreement they made. If not, the parents will want to keep their focus on co-parenting and maintaining a consistent environment for their children when addressing the dispute.
Be Respectful of the Other Parent
When a parent disagrees with their former spouse, it can be easy to dismiss them and their suggestions, wants, needs, or concerns. However, this is not in the best interests of the children, does not help custody agreements, and may even get the individual in trouble with the court if they dismiss their former spouse and their concerns too often. Instead, be respectful of the other parent.
Hear the other parent out when they have a suggestion or concern, or express a preference or need related to the children. Be respectful even when there are disagreements. Encourage the children to be respectful of their parents. When everyone remains respectful, creating and following custody agreements is easier.
Be Realistic About Expectations
Parents should discuss and establish clear expectations of each other and their children. They should also make sure their expectations are realistic to avoid unnecessary disappointment and frustration. Parents should include their expectations in formal custody agreements to reduce stress and prevent misunderstandings. Clear, reasonable expectations also provide a sense of stability, predictability, and structure for parents and children.
Be Prepared and Flexible
While custody agreements provide a strict structure and are court orders that parents must abide by, they should also be prepared for changes and be flexible about plans and following the order. While it is not recommended that parents ignore their agreement and do as they please, certain circumstances may warrant deviating from the custody agreement. For example, a death in the family may warrant allowing a parent to have the child on a weekend they usually would not, or a parent who needs to have minor surgery may need their former spouse to keep the children a few days longer than their usual schedule. There are many reasons parents may need to be flexible about custody and visitation, and being willing to adjust and compromise to ensure both parents have ample time with the children can significantly reduce stress.
Seek Professional Guidance
Another way parents can avoid stress in custody agreements is to seek professional guidance when creating them and whenever they need to modify them. Professionals such as attorneys, mediators, and therapists or counselors are all uniquely trained to be able to assist in these matters, so engaging the services of each may be a good way to ensure a balanced custody agreement that is best for the children and gives the parents as much of what they each want as possible.
Legal Counsel
Ultimately, custody agreements are court orders, which means they are legal documents that the parents are required to follow. Therefore, the first professional they may want to seek guidance from when in doubt is a family law or divorce attorney at King Law Offices. A qualified attorney understands North Carolina and South Carolina child custody laws and may be able to ensure that any changes to or deviations from a custody agreement are handled in accordance with those laws, so that neither parent is penalized by the court.
Mediation Services
When parents are unable to agree, mediation can help them find common ground and create an agreement that both are comfortable with, even if neither gets exactly what they want. Mediation can be used when creating custody agreements, but it can also be helpful anytime an existing agreement needs a significant modification or the parents disagree on a matter that needs to be resolved.
Therapy or Counseling
A therapist or counselor can provide coping strategies and emotional support to both parents and children. While this may not directly impact custody agreements, it will give the individuals involved the skills and support they need to express themselves and cope with any stress that arises from their custody agreement. Parents may also consider joining support groups that provide a sense of community and allow them to share their experiences and feelings with others in similar situations. These groups may also offer tried-and-true resources and tips that parents can explore.
Be Comprehensive in Planning
While custody agreements provide structure around custody and visitation, parents still have a lot of flexibility in how they spend time with their children. They also have the flexibility to make changes when needed, but it is vital to be comprehensive in planning so that neither parent nor the children are caught off guard.
Consider the Child’s Needs
When it comes to custody agreements and planning, the best interests of the children should always be a paramount concern. Whenever parents consider what to include in a custody agreement, request a modification, or even a temporary change, they should always ensure that they are considering the children’s needs. Considering the children’s needs and putting their best interests first may result in custody agreements that contain some inconvenient clauses for one or both parents.
Additionally, parents should consider the individual needs of each of their children, rather than treating them as a group. They may need to include unique arrangements, such as allowing one child more time with one parent than the other children, because that particular child needs that extra time.
Be Proactive
Parents should be as proactive as possible with custody agreements. This means they should be proactive with scheduling, ensuring that all parties are aware of significant events and scheduling conflicts as soon as possible, so there is ample time to prepare and make any necessary custody or visitation changes.
Parents should also be proactive by checking in with each other regularly to discuss their children’s progress and any concerns they may have about the children. They should be proactive in creating or revising a practical parenting plan that balances the children’s needs with the parents’ commitments. Being proactive will also allow the parents and children to be more flexible when changes need to be made.
Include Details
Parents should also be as detailed as possible when creating or revising custody agreements. For example, when determining the arrangements for exchanging custody, including details such as specific locations, days of the week, and times. Instead of saying, “Parents will exchange children each Friday,” say, “Parents will exchange children each Friday at 4:30 p.m. in the parking lot of the mother’s employer.” Parents may also want to include details such as who is responsible for taking the children to medical appointments (the parent with physical custody at the appointment time or one parent for all appointments), right of first refusal, communication methods, preferred dispute resolution methods, and details regarding what happens if a parent needs to relocate.
How a Divorce Attorney May Be Able to Help
Raising children can be stressful even in the best of circumstances. When you get divorced and must co-parent with your former spouse, you may never be able to eliminate stress. However, you can reduce some stress by using the strategies we have provided to create, modify, and follow custody agreements. Our skilled North Carolina and South Carolina family law attorneys may be able to assist you by drawing up a written contract, referring you to trusted mediation partners, and, if necessary, representing you in court if you and your former spouse are unable to agree. Call King Law Offices at (888) 748-KING to schedule your consultation and learn more about how we may assist you with your custody case.